NOTE:  I wrote this post in January, hence the “new year resolution” kind of feel… but unexpected interruptions in life, and – ok – my time management challenge has me posting it now. Oops. ‘Better late than never’ has always been a motto I can live with.

HOW PROVOKING

Time is most definitely NOT on my side.  I know I’m dating myself with that line… Some of you (old folks) may know what I am referring to.

Well let’s put it this way – the clock is not my friend. I suppose in reality, swiftly moving time is not the friend to any of us, unless we happen to be sitting in an excruciatingly boring meeting that we can’t wait to finish, or I suppose any number of terrible things that could happen to a person that we want to hurry and get through. But. Most of us don’t like getting older and aging, and there never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done. Especially in our modern culture where we may try to foolishly pack 15 different things into a day.

I’m pretty sure my grandmother never did that. Of course she also never travelled further than about 20 miles from her home – I mean in her whole life! Heck, in the early years of her life, before they built the house across the street from the church they went to and my father was actually born in, they traveled by horse & buggy and boat to get to church. One thing would take the whole day!

So, why the big revelation now? it seems that right around this time somewhere, 60 years ago, my mother conceived me. In a few days my mother will celebrate her 90th year on earth , therefore, it’s possible she even conceived me on her 30th birthday. This is really provoking me.

To think!

As this is the year that I am turning the big 6-0 , I have begun – several months early – to meditate seriously on and about my life. I’m reflecting on the past 60 years, and considering the next – I don’t know – 30, 40 years? God knows how many I have left. But there is the possibility ( perhaps following the good longevity genes of my mother) that I may be looking at still having a third of my life or so to live. That’s nothing to sniff at .

I have always kind of thought that I was a goal oriented person. But when I really assess it honestly,  that was more wishful thinking than actual planned thinking. Yup. It seems as I dig deep in my memory – which, these days takes a lot more work than it used to- I reluctantly see that, for so many years, I was simply living the goal of either getting through the day, or for someone else. Namely – for the most part – my precious family breathing down my neck (ok? its true – don’t judge me).

That’s certainly not a bad thing, but as the fog cleared from my muddled thinking it dawned on me that the raw truth was my goals were more for the  concerns and issues of those I lived with; daily goals were pretty much to get ‘er done -you know, keep it all rolling (and fall into bed exhausted at night, no questions asked ). Gee, while that may sound noble, skip the violins – how short-sighted. Long term personal goals were almost non-existent. Who had time, or the energy left to do such things? Well obviously lots of people, but I wasn’t one of them apparently.

Oh, man. I hated to admit that. This is not at all what I meant to happen. Of course that was the problem – things in life never just “happen”… There’s a trail you can follow as to the consequences of what we do, or don’t do, and unless we’re very deliberate with our life resources we just stay on the same rutted path marking time instead of really moving forward.

It reminds me of the visual of trying to walk the wrong way on those  “people movers” you see  in airports. If you stop for a moment you for sure go backwards, but to make progress forward you have to really push and work extra hard to actually get somewhere. That feels like life.

My goal had been perhaps to be sure all of my children’s school assignments were done, that they were staying on top of getting a good education in every area… and, more earthly and mundane, being certain they brushed the plaque off their teeth every morning and didn’t embarrass their parents by getting to school with grubby fingernails or looking like they just rolled out of bed . Chasing them down for a nice hair brushing was always fun. Or that they got to their sporting events or had all of the extra curricular activities and things needed in place ( and of course there was the food , always the food – they wanted to eat every day; that’s very time-consuming!) Then as they got older it was taxi-ing everyone around everywhere, vetting important relationships, keeping track of what they were involved in and how their lives were going, and further along, helping them in preparing their future goals like college. All very good things to accomplish. Just not exactly mine.

Reminds me of a quote I heard:

“Embrace your uniqueness.  Time is much too short to be living someone else’s life.” ~ Kobi Yamada

Then as the last one graduated from high school and was off to college leaving our nest empty, I was still in a “regular” job ( the goal of which was to basically maintain our life style, i.e.: keep the lights on ) and I guess that’s just the way I sort of continued to roll – without me thinking much about it. Maintaining the status quo. Lame.

Well, I might have thought about it, but not thinking in the kind of way that actually creates a response to do something different.

Thankfully, it took me having a physical / medical crises to really wake-up to where I was at. Yes, thank God for a physical collapse that seemed like a heart attack! Looking back now I see that as an unanticipated serendipity – a blessing from God. Otherwise I may have just continued to live how things came to me, without a goal in sight. Now, as a Health Coach, I cannot even tell you how many people I have heard the same thing from. It seems to be a wiring problem particularly in women.

To be sure, I had done lots of other wonderful things in between the mandatory jobs in my life – I don’t want to sound like a complete loser, nor minimize some of the amazing events and things I had been privileged to be involved in. But I hadn’t fully considered what I – Katie – was supposed to be doing, in MY God-given destiny. That was a luxury I didn’t seem to have in the past. Or at least that’s how I saw it then. If I had been more actively goal-oriented that may not have been the case.

So here I am. Now, very much in the desired push to really fulfill my goals. To reach my full potential. To do whatever my destiny is. To truly discover completely from my Creator what I was created to be, put that into action and accomplish it. Kind of silly that I’m still asking that around age 60? But of course not!; it’s never too late to take that dream down off the shelf.

I recently came across a newsletter from some company that was talking about those who started late in life – or at least continued on in new adventures late in life. Like the gentleman who started the medical phenomena known as the Mayo Clinic – William Worral Mayo – founded the Clinic at age 70. John Glenn returned to space when he was 77 years old. Frank Lloyd Wright was still working at 91, and Ronald Reagan got elected to his second term as president when he was 73! We all have seen the elder president Bush jumping out of the airplane on his 90th birthday (something on my bucket list incidentally). Those are just a few who didn’t allow their age to stop them from going after what they wanted or fulfilling their purpose.

Again, I know I’m not exactly completely starting new. But even the things I did proudly accomplish didn’t seem to have a cohesive vision that I was actively going after. It was more like things inadvertently presented themselves, opportunities came up and I jumped in. But what about the opportunities that I could create for myself if I really actively pursue them?

I have already come to the place where I realize that for this to happen – duh, this is obvious I know – you have got to make a plan!!  I have already taken a dramatic turn in my life in the last few years as a Health Coach having changed “professions” in my late fifties, and I already have been formulating how I can help others in their health goals. I certainly already have concluded that anyone who wants to make their health better in any area – whether it be exercise or eating, stress relief or sleep, etc – it must begin with making a plan. So what’s the deal – what’s holding me up? Why haven’t I gotten further along with my newly found vision?

So – I am, I will admit, obstinate in many ways and I resist the idea of having someone over me, asking me and making me accountable “have you done what you said you were going to do”. Ugh. Recognizing I have a problem with time management has been hard to face and admit; that hurts (which I am partly going to blame on having too many things I was multitasking through the years, so that my brain has become scattered – it’s true, don’t laugh I read it in an article – and it wasn’t Mad Magazine …and, come on, Facebook and social media are such a distraction!).

I’ve always had a ton to do raising children, being a wife, running around keeping a house, managing everything while holding down a job most of those years as well as being involved in several very committed outside activities in my church and the kids’ school (breathe!) that I just assumed I must be great with my time, or else how could I have done it all? Not too long ago I came across my old Calendar book daytimer from probably 15 years ago – I was amazed at all the things I did every single day! It made my head spin and I thought how in the world did I ever do that?

Was I better at time management then, or was it just that when you’re busy you quite simply HAVE to squeeze everything (and do the flop into bed at night exhausted thing)? Is it perhaps because I don’t have quite as many things that I absolutely positively have no choice in doing now that I suddenly find myself to be frittering away precious time? I’m not sure, but regardless of the reason, I have to make a plan to overcome this obstacle.

So I am on a journey in 2015 to figure this out. This is serious. I’m not getting any younger and I have a burning desire to make the best use of whatever God has given me, in the place He has allowed me to be in history and time. It’s not for nothing, and I believe very sincerely that I will be held accountable in eternity for what I could have done.

It’s sort of like Schindler’s List where he agonized at the end of the movie, thinking  “I could have saved more if I had just sold this watch” or done this or that. What have I done, or more succinctly what have I NOT done, that I could have or should have done, when I was too busy just being carried along with life? I don’t want to face that question at the end of my life – I want to face it now.

So, 2015, here I come! God help me – by listening to You more clearly everyday, gaining wisdom from what I can, and setting the time aside to seek it. To make a grand plan!

I’ll report back to you – that should hold my feet to that fire burning up my time.  Ouch. That hurts so good.